The 67 Hail Hail Alternative Celtic Awards

By Euan Davidson

May 21, 2021

When it comes to Celtic, awards, and the like, we don’t like being left out.

Obviously, none of the staff at 67 Hail Hail are eligible for Celtic’s own prizes. As much as Young Player of the Year would’ve been nice, I for one am 29, and lose breath walking the length of myself. However, when there’s a possibility to hand out gongs at the end of a truly dismal season, it’s one you grasp with both hands.

We’ve talked before about how needless the Celtic End of Year ceremony was, and it’s probably lucky there wasn’t a hotel ballroom booked. Imagine DJing that.

We’ve finished second, we got dumped out of both cups, and Europe was a disaster. There will be terrible singers at Eurovision who will have watched our highlights against Sparta Prague, and will imagine that “Nil Points” isn’t the worst outcome on the continental stage.

So, look: let’s have a bit of fun with it. They say laughter is the best medicine, but Astra Zenica and Pfizer are surely in the European spots.

Oh Broony, there’s nothing you could’ve done / (Photo by Craig Williamson/SNS Group via Getty Images)

Biggest PR blunder

Nominees:
Announcing a chocolate bar during a crisis
Dubai-gate
Flag-gate

Debt collection agency endorsement
Gate-gate

Your winner for 20-21: Dubai-gate!

So, this one was obvious. In the middle of a pandemic, Celtic decided to forego common sense and travel to the Middle East, at a time when most of us couldn’t see our relatives. It’s impossible to imagine any other outcome than opprobrium, shock and anger.

Never mind that a club formed to feed the impoverished of Glasgow were travelling to an Oil-backed state where women’s rights are next to non-existent, use of slave labour is rife, and homosexuality is imprisonable. From a club, no less, who had rightly and continually supported the Rainbow Laces campaign [Celtic FC].

When photos emerged of the lads enjoying a pint by a pool, it’s not the act in and of itself that rankled. More the absolute disrespect for supporters. We’d been served up absolute rubbish while the world was falling apart and we were stuck indoors. It was a horrendously miscalculated, harebrained idea.

Please, Celtic, never do this again.

Former Spurs boss Mauricio Pochettino / (Photo by Dan Mullan/Getty Images )

Daftest Celtic rumour

Nominees:
Odsonne Edouard to Real Madrid
Mauricio Pochettino to Celtic
Jose Mourinho to Celtic
Phil Jones to Celtic

Your winner for 20-21: Mauricio Pochettino to Celtic! 

Now, look. If you’ve got a particularly good memory, you might recall a 67 Hail Hail article with the headline: “Rumoured Celtic managerial target Mauricio Pochettino signs with PSG”. At the risk of sounding like Richard Keys, it was just banter.

Everyone knew there was absolutely zero chance of the former Spurs boss turning up at Celtic Park. But in a moment of forgetting to read the audience, it’s easy to forget that headlines don’t carry sarcasm well. So, my apologies on that front.

Even before Neil Lennon left the club, there were about 40,000 managers linked with Celtic. Old names like Martin O’Neill and Gordon Strachan were reportedly approached, and obviously, rumours were flying around. In any circumstance, then, it didn’t seem even remotely likely at any point.

The closest thing linking Poch to the Celtic job was the fact he was born in place called Murphy, Argentina. So, naturally, he chose to go to last year’s Champions League finalists instead of us.

Former Celtic target Ivan Toney / (Photo by Marc Atkins/Getty Images)

The Ivan Toney “We really should’ve signed him award”

Nominees:

Kevin Nisbet
Ben Davies
Mark McKenzie 
Mitchel Bakker

Your winner: Ben Davies! Well done, Ben!

Now, it would’ve been far, far too obvious to actually give the award to Ivan Toney. Everyone: you, your dug, your Gran, we all know Celtic should’ve signed the Brentford man. Watching him score approximately a goal every two minutes in the Championship has been depressing.

However, I get the sense that Toney was the contingency plan if Edouard left. Maybe that’s not the case, but we got another year of Eddy being our top man. Whether you agree he’s delivered or not is really up to you. Ben Davies on the other hand… well, argh.

We needed centre-backs desperately in January. We had little evidence that Stephen Welsh would actually turn out pretty good. Christopher Jullien knackered himself, Shane Duffy was having an ordeal, and Nir Bitton is not a centre-back. It looked desperate, especially as we were battered from pillar to post in Europe.

Yet, of all teams, Liverpool hijacked the deal. To this day, he still hasn’t managed a start for Jürgen Klopp’s side. The former Preston defender must feel like he’s on work experience, or something. It’s bizarre. Yet, this one is one of the only transfer sagas where you can’t blame the board.

So, that’s something?

Scenes / (Photo by Rob Casey/SNS Group via Getty Images)

Best Celtic moment

Nominees:
The kits coming out
Celtic 3-2 Lille
The end of Jonjoe Kenny’s loan spell
The Quadruple Treble

It’s the Quadruple Treble. Obviously.

When Kristoffer Ajer rifled home his penalty past Craig Gordon, we felt something that we hadn’t had for months: utter, unadulterated euphoria.

Sure, we all had to watch from home, but it’s worth pointing out that nobody else has done a Quadruple Treble. Unless you’re counting the Gibraltan league, or something. At the risk of putting myself in the frame for a job at Talksport, they’re part-time fishermen, aren’t they?

Celtic still made history this season, albeit, from a Scottish Cup Final that was delayed until December last. But what are we meant to do, go back in time and stop Covid-19? Or take the hand we’ve been dealt and remember some good came out of this campaign?

Admittedly, Hearts ran us far, far too close. A comfortable first half performance was met with a second 45 that would’ve had a Nun cursing blind. It was staggering. Yet, with young Conor Hazard in goals, Celtic still did something absolutely incredible.

If you have to take anything away from this season, let it be that. From the bitter despair of a season that so many of us saw coming but couldn’t prevent, remember it.

Thanks for coming to the awards. If you could stack the chairs up, that’d be grand.

READ MORE: Let’s not get too angry at the club…


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